and now, for the weather

Country brought to standstill by snow terror attack! Weather girls in too tight skirts report on calamitously crippling conditions, “I can’t sit down in this skirt” wails Lucy….more on this story later. First in the news today, apart from the unusually heavy snowfall, life goes on as usual in this new year 2010. Unrealistic expectations that a date change will make a positive difference to thousands of lives perceived as ‘unsatisfactory’ and ‘not very good really, it’s all The System’s fault’ have already been dashed and disappointment is setting in. New Year’s resolutions are forgotten along with promises never to drink again after that hangover on Jan 1st. Confused smokers gather in huddles in doorways, was that cigarette smoke they saw billowing from their lips, or their breath in the cold air? They discuss freezing temperatures and the cost of living, ‘it’s terrible, everything’s so expensive, we have to choose between fags and other essentials, and we’re forced out into the cold to smoke, it’s all wrong’.  ‘If I get sick because I have to smoke outside it won’t be my fault’ says one.
Penguins at London Zoo would help their keepers today if they came out to smoke, the zoo is beginning it’s Annual Animal Audit today and some of the penguins are in their burrows, reluctant to emerge into the cold, confounding efforts to count their numbers.
Meanwhile, on an even lighter note, across the country stalwart lampworkers insist on trekking out to their various out buildings in complex layers of clothes, often carrying concealed hot water bottles (no licence required) simply to indulge in the curious obsession of glass melting in order to make beads, ‘we won’t give in, it’s only weather!’ they cry, ‘bead pics online tomorrow!’

‘And that’s the news, over to the weather with Lucy….Lucy?’